“Personal questions” in Vietnamese culture.

Imagine this: you just landed in Vietnam, and the vibrant streets, adorned with food stalls and Vietnamese national flags, caught your eye. At one instance, Vietnamese aunties who sell your bún chả start asking where you are from, first time or second time in Vietnam, and probably occasionally slip in questions like, “Please marry a Vietnamese girl or boy and stay here for the good food”. 

If you come from an individualistic country, you might be amused and generously deem the Vietnamese people among the friendliest and most welcoming in the world. And we are indeed; we’re always ready to welcome you, tourists and local foreigners, with open arms.

However, once you’ve stayed long enough and start settling your life here, some of the “personal questions” might pop up out of nowhere and take you by surprise, to a certain extent. Some days, you welcome those questions about marriage and salary with a smile and slowly shrug them off. But some days, they do mess with your head and leave you questioning.

Trust us, as young millennials growing up in Vietnam, we tried to understand, but some days these questions never stop leaving us confused, and perhaps, at times, furious. 

Why do some Vietnamese people ask “personal questions”?

The reason is simple. Most of the time, people ask those questions just out of curiosity. Vietnamese is a community-oriented society, so most of the time, people ask those questions because they care about you and want to establish a friendly relationship with you. 

Underlying the innocent curiosity, the question alludes to the core values at the heart of a society driven by Confucian values. Questions about marriage reflect one of Confucianism’s values: family responsibility and filial piety. It is common knowledge among Vietnamese families that the family line continues, so marriage and having kids are crucial to maintaining that line.

However, regardless of the purely “caring about others” intention, the “relationship status” question could be perceived as insensitive to single people, who are colloquially deemed “ế” (roughly translated as “rotten” and “unwanted”). If they’re being asked about it nonstop, they may feel reminded that there is something wrong with them. 

Vietnamese society also values educational success, and within a country that has experienced wars and extreme poverty and hunger, having a stable salary somehow reflects success and stability. Questions about salary present no harm, and as young people, we occasionally feel bothered.

What matters is the underlying purpose of the questions. Does it genuinely demonstrate care on the part of the one who raises the question? Or to serve another purpose, such as to compare the competence of their children and the person being asked? After all, Confucianism manifests in the pressure on a Vietnamese child: to bring pride to the family. As Vietnamese parents, it is “nở mày nở mặt” (to feel proud and honor; to make family “look good”) to have successful children.

How to deal with the “personal questions”?

There is no one-size-fits-all model of correct responses. In Vietnamese culture, maintaining social harmony and saving “face” for others, especially older people, is most important, so it is advised not to express disagreement or anger when answering “sensitive questions”. Therefore, smile and avoid giving answers. 

However, in case you feel like responding, there are some suggestions:

Questions about Marriage

Cháu vẫn đang đợi vợ/chồng tương lai của cháu ạ/I’m still waiting for my future wife/husband

Cháu vẫn đang tập trung cho công việc và sự nghiệp/ I’m still focusing on work and career

Cô/chú/bác có ai thì giới thiệu cho cháu ạ!/Do you have someone you could introduce me to?

Questions about Salary 

Vừa đủ sống ạ/Enough to live comfortably 

Vừa đủ ạ/Just enough

Questions about Appearance

Sinh ra cháu đã như vậy rồi!/I was born this way. 

——————————————————————————–

P.S. This topic is discussed further in Episode 2 of our Podcast series “Sensitive questions in Vietnamese”. Tune in to listen HERE and access the transcript of this Podcast HERE.

Wanna live your Vietnamese learning in real-life scenarios? Our Speak Vietnamese Đi! Role-Play Edition 2026 is officially BACK this April! Find out more about our event and ticket HERE